He’s my husband and my best friend.
We enjoy speaking to each other and sharing the littlest and biggest things. In fact, long walks and talks with him are the best kind of outings. Yet, strangely, he’s the one with whom I’m probably the most slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to get angry. (Exactly the opposite of what James 1:19 teaches us to do!)
So while we communicate rather well, by biblical standards, there’s a lot of room for improvement. At least for me!
How to use this list
Scripture is a treasure trove of wisdom on every aspect of our lives, including how we speak. So let’s look at what the Word has to say about the words we use.
But before we dive in, an important note: These are not items you can simply check off a list. They are heart attitudes that require prayer and practice. Well, at least if you’re anything like me! 😇
As you look at this list, don’t try to tackle everything at once. Instead, pick the one that speaks to you and begin there. Once you’ve built up a little “muscle” in that area, move on to another. And then another. Bit by bit, you’ll be growing scriptural habits that speak life into your marriage!
1. Speak truthfully, but with love (Ephesians 4:15)
The truth itself can sting, even when spoken gently. That’s why it’s important not to use harsh words. In fact, before sharing that nugget of wisdom we’re convinced our spouse needs to hear, it helps to pause and ask ourselves: “Is what I’m about to say true, loving, and necessary?”
If it is true and necessary, then let’s speak — but gently.
In sum: Be honest, not harsh.
2. Listen more, speak less (James 1:19)
If there’s one principle on this list I need to work on the most, it’s this.
While it’s wonderful to speak at length with our spouses, listening is what makes it a conversation. We need to listen to understand, not just to frame our next reply. And this is even more important in the middle of a conflict!
I have lost count of the number of times I’ve responded too quickly. Or failed to listen carefully and then misunderstood something! All of which could have been avoided had I only listened more and spoken less.
Bottomline: Take a deep breath and listen more than you speak.
3. Build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11 )
If you’re looking for an easier starting point, this could be it.
Make encouragement a habit. Speak well of your spouse both in private and in public. When they make a wise decision, tell them so. When they navigate a tough situation well, appreciate it. Let words like “You were really great at…” or “I love the way you…” flow freely in your home. As you build each other up, you’ll be strengthening your marriage as well.
Ask: “Will these words build up or tear down?”
4. Forgive quickly & completely (Ephesians 4:32)
When we’re hurt because of our spouse’s words or actions, we need to address that with honesty and gentleness. And then, forgive.
Every hurt we refuse to forgive is like a brick. If we keep stockpiling these hurts, they gradually become a wall between us and our spouse. So apologise sincerely (without conditions) when you’ve hurt your spouse and extend grace when your spouse needs it. Forgive. Not just once, but again and again. (Seventy-times-seven, anyone?)
Forgiveness is key to a strong marriage.
5. Pray, don’t prove (Philippians 4:6)
What happens if we gently share our perspective, but our spouse just doesn’t see it? If they don’t recognize their error?
I once read an article in which the author joked that when her husband didn’t understand her point of view, she would “duck” and let God hit him on the head with the truth! Hilarious and little dramatic, but it made the idea stick. Her point was this: Instead of striving to prove yourself right, take it to God in prayer.
I’ve tried this and found it works! Here’s the amazing part: Sometimes God made my husband see things differently, and sometimes, He opened my eyes to what I couldn’t see before!
In short: When you’re in the middle of a conflict, pray. In fact, pray even when you’re not!
Nothing builds love and unity like prayer!
A lifelong classroom
Marriage is not a fairytale. It is a God-given school for saints.
It is a lifelong classroom where we are always learning to love more like Jesus. As we lean on prayer and Scripture-inspired communication, our words can shift from careless or critical to uplifting and life-giving.
So let’s keep breaking down walls, practicing forgiveness, and speaking words that build up our marriages and our homes, with Christ at the center.
A practical challenge
This week, choose just one Scripture-based principle to speak life into your marriage. And as you plant that little seed, invite the Lord to grow it into something beautiful.
In faith,
