When Your Child Disobeys: Learning from Our Heavenly Father

“How many times do I have to tell you the same thing? Have I not taught you what is right and wrong?” I asked, absolutely annoyed.

I had explained. Discussed. Taught. Repeatedly.

Yet, here was this child still doing exactly the opposite of what was to be done. In that moment, I briefly entertained the idea of running away to live alone on a mountaintop.

Quite unrealistic, really.
I went for a walk instead.

The park opposite my house was just what I needed. Filled with old trees and freshly watered grass, it instantly tempered my annoyance. I looked up at the sun shining down through coconut trees and couldn’t help but smile and whisper, “Thank you, Lord, for this beautiful park, these trees, this scent of fresh earth, this warm sunshine.”

And then I stopped smiling.

Because as I stood there, the words of the gospel suddenly filled my mind: “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good…. Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5: 45,48; NABRE)

The Father’s Indiscriminate Love

My heavenly father.

What does he do when faced with a disobedient, rebellious child? One like me?

A child who has repeatedly chosen pride, selfishness, anger, and sin. Who knows what is right, yet has chosen to do what is sinful. How does he respond?

He makes the sun rise.
He fills the trees with birdsong.
He surrounds me with people who love me.
He patiently guides me.

Again. And again. And again.  

I needed to go home. To reorient my mind. To answer a question that was gnawing away at my heart:

Shouldn’t I be parenting the way my Father parents me?

In My Father’s Footsteps

I entered the house, more pensive now than angry, and went straight to my child: “We’ll talk about this later,” I said, “but for now, I want you to know that I love you and we’ll sort this out.”

I went to my room, shut the door, knelt by my bed, and prayed.
The way forward was clear: I was His daughter and I wanted to parent like He does.

But what would that look like?

As I prayed that day and in the days that followed, I began to realize that parenting isn’t just about correcting behavior. It is about reflecting His heart to my children.

Here are a few lessons I’ve begun to learn from my Father that are slowly shaping the way I respond when my children disobey or choose to do wrong.

Remember What This is About

I tend to respond with, “I’m so tired of this,” “Why do I have to keep telling you…,” “How long do I have to keep teaching…”
Notice the pattern?

It’s all about me. My annoyance. My disappointment. My weariness. In that moment, I stop looking at the child in front of me and start focusing on my own needs. But this isn’t about how many times I have to teach the same lesson. It isn’t about how hard this parenting business is. It’s not about me at all.

In fact, it’s not even about correcting my child’s mistake.
This is about compassionately and gently turning my child’s mind, heart, and soul toward God.

Look Beyond the Behavior

After that day, I try not to launch into correction as soon as I spot an issue. I know that, like my Father who sees beyond my surface faults, I need to look beyond my child’s misbehavior.

So I start with “Why did you do that?”
The answer is not always what I expect.

Sometimes, it’s clear that standing before me is a defiant child that needs firm but loving discipline. At other times, it’s a repentant child who needs forgiveness and guidance on how to make things right. A child who has spoken harshly because a sibling did something hurtful and a child who has spoken rudely out of impatience and habit cannot both be taught the same way.

When I rush to punish before I understand, I lose the opportunity to truly see and shepherd my child’s heart. So now, I try to listen before I correct.

Discipline from Love, Not Anger

Too often, discipline becomes an outlet for my frustration. “Why should I have to keep dealing with this,” I think. I shout. I walk off in anger. I withdraw.

That’s certainly not what my Father does.
He disciplines and teaches me out of love, not anger.

Remembering that changes everything – but it’s incredibly challenging to do what He does. In that moment, I simply want to yell. One thing that has helped me choose love, is remembering that I’ve made similar mistakes – I’ve disobeyed my parents, I’ve chosen my own way, I’ve sinned.

Often, this thought takes the wind out of my angry sails, and that’s exactly what I need in that instant.

Remind Them They are Loved

No matter how defiant my child appears, that little heart is hurting. From disappointing me, from being shouted at, from sensing that I am unhappy. There is an unspoken question: Does mum still love me?

It took me time to see that there is often regret and hurt and worry in that little heart — even in the midst of disobedience.

So I take the time to say at least one sentence that reassures them: “You’re mine and I love you.” For the older ones, I also remind them that I believe in them and know how much goodness there is in them.

My Father doesn’t push me away. Instead, He draws me to Himself.
Even when I fall.
Especially when I fall.

So I try to do the same. With a hug. A touch on the cheek. A soft reminder: “You’re mine. I love you.”

Leave Room for Grace

If there’s one lesson that has changed my approach completely, it’s this: No matter how much I teach, I cannot change my child’s heart.

That is the Lord’s jurisdiction.

So now, after I’ve listened, corrected or explained, I pause. Sometimes that pause lasts for days. Even if my children don’t seem to have learnt the lesson, I leave room for His Spirit to continue the work only He can do.

Instead of nursing my anger, I try to leave room for grace. This is hard, because sometimes there’s nothing I’d like more than to give them the silent treatment. Or to respond sharply to every question they ask.

But I remind myself that I’m not the one who can change a heart.
Only He can.
My job is to simply (but faithfully) sow the seed.
It is only He who makes the plant grow.

An Unexpected Classroom

My home has become a school.
For me.

I’m learning about my own shortcomings – how impatient and petty I can be. But most of all, I’m learning about my Father’s heart. Every act of patience reminds me of the mercy He has extended to me without tiring.
Every choice to forgive reminds me of the complete forgiveness that He offers me.
Every difficult day reminds me that He has never grown weary of loving me.

Parenting hasn’t just taught me about raising children. It has taught me about my Father. About His wholehearted, generous love.
The kind of love that makes the sun shine on saint and sinner alike.
The kind of love I pray my children will catch a glimpse of in me.

In faith,